7 Notorious Modes of Public Transportation in the Philippines

Posted on | October 2, 2008 |

Public transportation here in the Philippines suck really needs improvement. It sucks so much ass that it doesn’t make any difference between walking 20 kms. under the scorching heat of the sun and the riding some screwed up public means of transportation.

Let me elaborate. Here in the Metro, you can either ride:

#7. the MRT - and get yourself mugged, groped and squeezed the living crap out of you during rush hours. (Rush hour = 24/7) While it is said to be “the cheapest and most convenient” means of getting around the Metro, I say it can be the most stressful of all public utility transportation units. It’s always packed with smelly orcs and sweaty fat office boys wearing iPods thinking they’re some techno dude or something. I really hate it when it becomes so packed because I always I find my face squished at some douche’s hairy armpit.

Of all places, he sits next to you. Topless.

Stop frowning Juan dela Cruz : The government is currently planning on increasing the number of MRT/LRT lines around the Metro. I heard they’re planning to put up 3 more lines that would fully interconnect all the major thoroughfares in the different cities. If you’re coming from Ayala, no need to pass the Cubao Station (also known as the 6th level of hell), alight and ride another LRT just so you can go to Recto Station for your Divisioria shopping spree. Also, I hope what I’m saying here is true (becomes true) because if it’s not, that would really suck right?

#6. the bus - and be paranoid about getting robbed, raped and be seated beside some old grumpy lady or some smelly douche with hairy armpits. Also, it will take you 2 hours for every 20 kms. It’s that retarded. The “good” news is, they now installed television and DVD sets so passengers will not get bored. The “bad” news is, they only show Jolina and Marvin Agustin movies.

The Love Bus circa 1980s. We still use those.

Stop frowning Juan dela Cruz : less crimes on the bus especially this year. The increased police visibility and police presence has significantly lowered the bus related crimes. Also, the campaign for “retiring” old bus models are in place. So less smoke belching mammoths and less buses that look like a construction site. In the most recent policies implemented by the Metro Manila Development Authority (MMDA), MMDA traffic personel are now authorized to board buses who stay longer than the allowed time limit in a bus stop, relieve the bus driver of his post, and drive the bus to his hometown in Cabanatuan City. Yes, the last part is only half true.

#6. the tricycle / pedicab / padyak / etc. - and end up harassed and haggard by the time you alight the said public transportation unit. The tricycles in our place can beat Schumacher anytime with their superior daredevil driving skills. They are also the boldest. They think their tricycles can kick the living hell out of the 10-wheeler truck they are trying to out maneuver. Ass. Riding these flimsy pieces of scrap metal can also cause lifetime paralysis, stroke, LBM, death and other forms of scary crap that will make you wish you just walked instead of taking the “trike”.

Thriller!

Stop frowning Juan dela Cruz : Tricycle associations have now matured from a frat-like union to a more civilized group. They have their own elections and people elected into office create rules that are followed religiously lest perpetrators want to be kicked in the ass. Generally, tricycles have been more organized as many of the local government projects involve building and improving tricycle terminals and stops. Television sets are installed in terminals in the more industrialized areas. So a happy tricycle driver = less abuse and crap from them. Stricter policies are also implemented. For example, trikes are no longer allowed in highways and high traffic roads. Wee! It used to be an issue in certain areas. Commonwealth Ave. (also officially known as the deadliest road in the country… I’m not kidding!) was once run by the trike boys who would dangerously have a grand prix along the 10km stretch of Regalado to Philcoa. Now, the police and MMDA will hunt their fat asses down should they attempt to even cruise in the major roads around the Metro. Also, the ten wheelers now rule Commonwealth Ave. and its drivers care very little about the trikes’ overall well-being.

#4. the taxi / cab / xitak / etc. - two things : convenience and poverty. It’s convenient, yes, to ride a public transpo where it would drop you off directly where you want to go. But hello to poverty since you can also say goodbye to your conyo tactics of buying Starbucks Java Chip for 2 weeks since riding a taxi from SM North EDSA to SM SouthMall will surely burn your almost empty wallet to kingdom come. Oh, did I mention that you also risk being raped, mugged and killed? No? Well, it’s a possibility noob. You should always check the trunk before riding one. The REAL driver might be sprawled inside.

Mang Boy, a hidden character in Twisted Metal 4

Stop frowning Juan dela Cruz : The Land Transportation Franchising and Regulatory Board or LTFRB is closely monitoring the activities of these taxi drivers. The board has also made several contact numbers available for reporting abuse by asshole drivers. In a sense, the government has empowered the people by teaching those abusive drivers that they don’t own the street. The commuters do.

#3. the FX / colorum vans / L300 / etc. - Ever since the hunt for colorum public utility vehicles have been strengthened by Bayani “Iron Fag Fist” Fernando, these guys are always on the run as if they are some sort of insurgents or something. The military is literally tracking these guys down. Also, riding one will cost you your lunch money. Convenient if you’re riding at the back or in front. If you find yourself sitting at the middle, good luck. Some smelly douche with hairy armpits who sits beside you will hog valuable passenger space. Also, you will feel his buttcheeks touch yours and you can’t do anything about it.

Stop frowning Juan dela Cruz : The LTFRB in cooperation with the Police and the MMDA is now aggressively hunting down these “enemies of the state”. LTFRBs analysts are also studying additional transpo routes - those run by these colorum vehicles. This means that once these units are regularized, commuters can “enjoy” the normal costs of fares again unlike when things are illegal, abuse really gets from crappy to XL crappy.

#2. “mini train” / “tulak” / rail cart - And the number 2 top of the list goes to the “fragile but agile” looking tulak. Really, I have no idea of what it’s called but it sure looks fun to ride one. These custom made “cart” runs on railways and can usually accomodate 2 to 4 people in one go. The “driver” pushes the cart with all his might. If you want to be buff and look like a Spartan, this is the way to go. It would be funny if the driver is some smelly douche with hairy armpits. Overall, this mode of public transportation rocks! Literally. I suggest you ride one before you migrate to Canada or something. Btw, you risk of being run over by a REAL TRAIN. You can lose a leg or two. Or maybe die. Yes, it’s fun, but don’t tell me I didn’t warn you.

A “tulak” also known as The happy ride… of doom.

VERSUS

The REAL TRAIN… also known as The Red Train of Bonecrushing Death

Stop frowning Juan dela Cruz : The Philippine National Railways (PNR) is a mobile historical landmark. Hence, efforts to restore it to its original glory has been a “project” by many presidential administrations, but has always been neglected and shelved. Just recently, news about its actual rehabilition is about to take place when several foreign investors have volunteered to help out the government. Among them are the Koreans, the Thais and of course, the Chinese. Plans for reconstruction is already underway. Modernizing our railways system would not only benefit commuters but it would also make travel easy for tourism purposes. It would also have macro and micro economic benefits that would greatly help this country’s growth. But yeah, until we actually see a real modern train running on a real modern railway, we’ll just have to continue cheating death with our happy rides of doom.

#1. the jeepney / jeep / dyip - And the top spot goes to the Jeepney. These notorious road machines can serve as a quick ticket to hell, depending on the drivers ability to cheat death and smile about it over bottles of gin and Red Horse. 99.9% of the time, these jeepney drivers are playing poker with Death at the passengers’ expense. Also, you risk someone might punch you in the face for no apparent reason. They immediately stop on every friggin’ passenger who wants to ride but would drop you off 2 kilometers from your destination after 10 minutes of screaming “PARA!!!! !@#$%” (”Para” is a what you say when you want to alight any form of public transporation with the exception of the MRT. But really, there’s no English translation for that word ftw.)

The Titanic

Stop frowning Juan dela Cruz : I can’t tell you enough reasons why you should stop smiling when it comes to talking about the jeepney. And that’s also the reason why it’s number one on my list. Fares are continually going up and riding one is far from enjoyable. Riding one will make you wet: Drenched in your sweat during hot days and drenched in the rain during storms and rain. Crimes involving a jeepney is also increasing. You are most likely to get mugged riding one. I also know someone who got shot in the head after the criminals got pissed at her when they were trying to rob the jeep’s passengers. And I don’t think the government is doing anything to improve the jeepney problems of the people. I remember hearing about air-con jeepneys (fares are much higher of course) moving around the Makati City area… but since Makati is acting like an independent country, and its current Mayor acting like Supreme Commander or Master Emperor, the rest of the country wouldn’t benefit much from that type of technological advancement.

So you see, I’d rather walk 20 kms. If you think about it, it’s ironic that people are actually paying to ride these moving coffins of fiery death. Plus the traffic is really really really bad. I say we all scrap public transportation. Let’s do it how our national heroes did it…back in the 1800s. Let’s stick to horses and carriages and walking. It’s healthy for you and the environment. Yes? Yes. 100% win.

Special thanks to Mr. Shawn Naylor for the train images.

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