Fashion or Comfort?

I think whoever designed this “thing” had fashion as the last thing on his/her mind. I agree that there are certain designs that would really strike your funny bone. (Clue: Only clowns wear neon colored footwear.) But if there’s one thing on the designer’s mind, it’s definitely comfort. Because these things are too damn comfortable.

I wasn’t really supposed to buy one. Just so happened that I’ve misplaced my walking sandals. If you’ve been wearing closed shoes during the past 5-work days, your feet’s gonna deserve some loving. One way to do that is to make sure they can breathe on the 2 days you’re not required to wear closed shoes.

And since I am a fan of walking, it is imperative that my feet are comfortable during my mall raids and “senti walks”. By senti walks I mean “aimless walking near emo places”. I sometimes do that after a hearty meal. LOL. So basically, it’s really a matter of comfort over fashion. So to those who would be laughing at me for my “stupidity” for spending for these “stupid rubber shoes” and walking around wearing them, I say go ahead. Hahaha! But I tell you, if there’s one thing I’m sure about, it’s the fact that your feet is definitely envious of my feet’s heavenly condition.

I say you try it. Who knows, maybe you’ll be a convert yourself?

Make Out.

Hand carved in the seventh level of hell.

Soon, I was able to finish all the games my dad bought… but one. One game stood like a rock. It mocked me as if there was nothing that my 6-year old mind and body can do to finish the game. I felt like as if the entire Japanese nation was laughing at me. It was Shigeru Miyamoto’s Super Mario Bros. It wasn’t just about finishing the game. It was about “what the fck happened next?”. ‘Coz after you’ve gone several levels of rescuing a mushroom instead of the princess, you’ll eventually go nuts. Ever since, I’ve been curious about the ending.

Cockblock.

It was a very cunning strategy. It was enough to drive my 6 year old mind to the point of lunacy. For days, sleep was not in my vocabulary. I also deprived myself from food, hence, my current frame. (Yes, I blame Nintendo. I should sue them.) And I also stopped playing with my friends. All of a sudden, the world is all about pipes, mushrooms and spinning columns of flaming doom. After weeks of trying to find the princess, I realized that I should stop playing the game and go back to my life before the Family Com… Because really, what should be a 6 year old be doing at that age? Stay cooped up in his room while playing the video game of the century? Or outside, trying to explore the world and its wonders? (By exploring the world, I mean getting back on the streets with my sling shot looking for stray animals to hit and picking up odd pieces of rocks along the way. Also, I solve math problems during my spare time.) It came to a point where I forgot about the Super Mario Bros. We had a PC back then and I was already doing wonders using MS DOS and QBASIC.

Almost 17 years later… I find this on YouTube. The ending I longed for. The ending I never got to see. How Super Mario Bros. ended. I mean, I’ve always known that Mario will eventually reach the castle where the princess is taken hostage. But how? Under what circumstance? What do they say to each other? Seth MacFarlane’s genius video tells me how. And I fuckin’ loved it. Nostalgia alert.

[There is a video that cannot be displayed in this feed. Visit the blog entry to see the video.]

Just like how I thought it would end back then. I can sleep now with a smile on my face.

Sailor John has very wrong ears.

Crappy Hair Day

Which reminds me… I should get a haircut myself. I’m starting to look like Sylvester Stallone in Rambo 2 already. And yes, I exaggerate.

What’s wrong with this picture?

Road Safety Fail.

“Maluwag pa sa bubong!”

Let me know what you guys think.

Good news.

#5. Hit the sachets. You those little sachets of ketchup, hot sauce, sugar, creamer, etc. they give out in restaurants and fast foods? Well, you can save up on your grocery expenses by asking for more that what you really need for your hash browns and coffee. By stacking up on free condiments, you can save up by as much as $10 per trip to the grocery. Now that’s amazing savings right there!

Thinking that I can save up by more than what I have right now, gives me the additional padding to my face everytime I ask for 10 sachets of ketchup and 15 sachets of sugar on top of the ones the attendant already gave me. Did you know that McDonalds gives out salt in sachets too? You don’t believe me? Try asking for one… or better yet, ask for five. Why buy salt when you can ask for lots of ‘em from McDonalds? The best thing would be if they have those condiments table like those in Starbucks and other coffee shops… better have your backpack ready so you can fill ‘em with “fresh supplies”.

I got myself a McSalt when I went “shopping” last night.

Easy targets: Starbucks, Jollibee, Figaro, McDonalds

Total Monthly Savings : 10$

#4. “Free taste” to “Free meal”. I usually fill my refrigerator by shopping in big groceries like ShopWise and Makro. It only takes me 15 minutes to complete my shopping list. But it takes me another 2 hours before I actually line up to the cashier to conclude my shopping. Why? Because I busy myself with the “free buffet” these big groceries have around the stalls. And when I say “free buffet”, I’m talking about the greatest marketing ploy these consumer companies are playing on us, the “free taste” marketing campaigns. Do your shopping around noon so by the time you’re finished, you can leave your cart somewhere and have your lunch… by “tasting” the different kinds of free hotdog, sausages, corn beef, biscuits, cereals, milk, coffee, etc. that are so kindly offered by stall attendants. Actually, if you have one of these groceries near where you work / live, you can simply have your lunch there every day for maximum savings power.

Easy targets: Makro, ShopWise, SnR, Uniwide, Cherry Foodarama

Total Monthly Savings : 30$ (1 dollar lunch expense x 30 days)

#3. Don’t tip. I know this may anger a lot of waiters, bellboys and peeps from all industries that require tipping. But hey, a man’s got to do what a man’s got to do. In this case, if you only have 42 pesos (Bumili ako ng turon ngayon ngayon lang kaya minus 10) you will do everything you can to save money. I find it highly illogical that I would give out money to dudes and dudettes whom I seriously believe that at this point in time, have more moolah in their wallets and even more in their tip box than my entire life savings. So why the fuck tip? These guys are practically richer than me! Also, I don’t see the point of having to pay more than what is required. Social norm you say? A standard 10% you say? Well if its fuckin’ standard, then they may all as well put it as part of the fuckin’ menu. These waiters and cooks have salaries like us right? So what’s with the additional money making scheme? I also work hard day in and day out but I don’t see anyone tipping me.

Semi-gay waiter

Home made tip box

Pakyu ng lola

Easy targets: Any restaurant and hotel.

Total Monthly Savings : 10% of all restaurant and hotel expenses.

#2. Steal ‘em WIFI. Free wifi can be found around the metro, specifically in posh coffee shops and fast foods. McDonalds, for example, offers free wifi to laptop wielding patrons with a craving for ‘em Big Macs. They’re open for 24 hours so that means unlimited wifi power beybeh. It makes their establishment more appealing and they are able to attract the yuppies and ‘em rich kids with their VAIOs and Lenovos.

I don’t see the word “Free” but…

Hey, it’s free Internet connection! And sky’s the limit too! So tell me, why do I need a DSL connection when I can just steal wifi 24/7 from the clown? But wait. Aren’t I supposed to buy something first before I avail of their amazing free wifi connection? Let me see that sign again:

…it doesn’t tell me I have to buy anything either. Free wifi yay!

Now some establishments may ask you to buy something first before you get their access passwords. Fair enough. So go buy a peach mango pie for 20 pesos (0.4$) or a cup of coffee for 30 pesos (0.45$). 20 pesos is definitely nothing to the 999 pesos you pay your DSL provider. It’s a no brainer. Even if you go there everyday, it would only cost you 600 pesos - that’s 399 pesos savings right there yo! Who needs DSL when there’s McDonalds?

Easy targets: McDonalds, Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf

Total Monthly Savings: 999 pesos or 22$

#1. “The Magic Tinidor”. You probably aren’t familiar with the term but I’m sure you’re familiar with this amazing cheap trick that I mastered became familiar with to the highest level. The Magic Tinidor technique involves an ordinary house fork and lots of guts, hairy balls and face padding.

The Cunning Black Plastic Fork of Doom. a.k.a. Magic Tinidor

A practitioner of this technique would usually go to the office pantry, canteen, restaurant, etc. with his/her friends. He would use the house fork to get bits of food from each of his friends’ plates and plastic wares. He may or may not have his own plate. By the end of his 1st pass, he’d be able to come up with a new set of meal, a salad of sorts… to be consumed immediately for a second pass on the “free” food.

This technique is usually practiced as early as grade school and high school and fully mastered by the time you’re is 43 and scouring the office pantry everyday during lunch time with your Magic Tinidor. The magic tinidor tops the list precisely because not only can you save shitloads of money, but it also gives the practitioner (me) something to look forward to every lunch break.

The office veteran anticipates your lunch, serf.

Also, I’d like to think that the reason why they are calling me names like “kuripot” and “kapalmuks” is the fact that they’re just jealous I recently got promoted for my awesome skill in kissing my boss’ ass (eww..). So with this technique, I save up as much as 2,250 pesos (50$) a month. Now I have cash to treat my friends out on a Friday night clubbing at the Embassy.

Easy targets: Classmates, Co-workers, friends

Total Monthly Savings: 2,250 pesos (avg. 75 peso lunch a day) or around 50$

So there you have it folks. Hopefully by these techniques you are all well on your way to the path of richness. I know it may be hard the first time around… and people may actually frown at you once or twice (ok, maybe a little more than that) but who cares? You’re gonna be rich anyway. So next time somebody frowns when you use your magic tinidor, slap his/her face with one thousand peso bills. Or punish those who will point out that you took 20+ sachets of sugar and creamer by pelting them with coins. So much for cash. Money is nothing.

Let me elaborate. Here in the Metro, you can either ride:

#7. the MRT - and get yourself mugged, groped and squeezed the living crap out of you during rush hours. (Rush hour = 24/7) While it is said to be “the cheapest and most convenient” means of getting around the Metro, I say it can be the most stressful of all public utility transportation units. It’s always packed with smelly orcs and sweaty fat office boys wearing iPods thinking they’re some techno dude or something. I really hate it when it becomes so packed because I always I find my face squished at some douche’s hairy armpit.

Of all places, he sits next to you. Topless.

Stop frowning Juan dela Cruz : The government is currently planning on increasing the number of MRT/LRT lines around the Metro. I heard they’re planning to put up 3 more lines that would fully interconnect all the major thoroughfares in the different cities. If you’re coming from Ayala, no need to pass the Cubao Station (also known as the 6th level of hell), alight and ride another LRT just so you can go to Recto Station for your Divisioria shopping spree. Also, I hope what I’m saying here is true (becomes true) because if it’s not, that would really suck right?

#6. the bus - and be paranoid about getting robbed, raped and be seated beside some old grumpy lady or some smelly douche with hairy armpits. Also, it will take you 2 hours for every 20 kms. It’s that retarded. The “good” news is, they now installed television and DVD sets so passengers will not get bored. The “bad” news is, they only show Jolina and Marvin Agustin movies.

The Love Bus circa 1980s. We still use those.

Stop frowning Juan dela Cruz : less crimes on the bus especially this year. The increased police visibility and police presence has significantly lowered the bus related crimes. Also, the campaign for “retiring” old bus models are in place. So less smoke belching mammoths and less buses that look like a construction site. In the most recent policies implemented by the Metro Manila Development Authority (MMDA), MMDA traffic personel are now authorized to board buses who stay longer than the allowed time limit in a bus stop, relieve the bus driver of his post, and drive the bus to his hometown in Cabanatuan City. Yes, the last part is only half true.

#6. the tricycle / pedicab / padyak / etc. - and end up harassed and haggard by the time you alight the said public transportation unit. The tricycles in our place can beat Schumacher anytime with their superior daredevil driving skills. They are also the boldest. They think their tricycles can kick the living hell out of the 10-wheeler truck they are trying to out maneuver. Ass. Riding these flimsy pieces of scrap metal can also cause lifetime paralysis, stroke, LBM, death and other forms of scary crap that will make you wish you just walked instead of taking the “trike”.

Thriller!

Stop frowning Juan dela Cruz : Tricycle associations have now matured from a frat-like union to a more civilized group. They have their own elections and people elected into office create rules that are followed religiously lest perpetrators want to be kicked in the ass. Generally, tricycles have been more organized as many of the local government projects involve building and improving tricycle terminals and stops. Television sets are installed in terminals in the more industrialized areas. So a happy tricycle driver = less abuse and crap from them. Stricter policies are also implemented. For example, trikes are no longer allowed in highways and high traffic roads. Wee! It used to be an issue in certain areas. Commonwealth Ave. (also officially known as the deadliest road in the country… I’m not kidding!) was once run by the trike boys who would dangerously have a grand prix along the 10km stretch of Regalado to Philcoa. Now, the police and MMDA will hunt their fat asses down should they attempt to even cruise in the major roads around the Metro. Also, the ten wheelers now rule Commonwealth Ave. and its drivers care very little about the trikes’ overall well-being.

#4. the taxi / cab / xitak / etc. - two things : convenience and poverty. It’s convenient, yes, to ride a public transpo where it would drop you off directly where you want to go. But hello to poverty since you can also say goodbye to your conyo tactics of buying Starbucks Java Chip for 2 weeks since riding a taxi from SM North EDSA to SM SouthMall will surely burn your almost empty wallet to kingdom come. Oh, did I mention that you also risk being raped, mugged and killed? No? Well, it’s a possibility noob. You should always check the trunk before riding one. The REAL driver might be sprawled inside.

Mang Boy, a hidden character in Twisted Metal 4

Stop frowning Juan dela Cruz : The Land Transportation Franchising and Regulatory Board or LTFRB is closely monitoring the activities of these taxi drivers. The board has also made several contact numbers available for reporting abuse by asshole drivers. In a sense, the government has empowered the people by teaching those abusive drivers that they don’t own the street. The commuters do.

#3. the FX / colorum vans / L300 / etc. - Ever since the hunt for colorum public utility vehicles have been strengthened by Bayani “Iron Fag Fist” Fernando, these guys are always on the run as if they are some sort of insurgents or something. The military is literally tracking these guys down. Also, riding one will cost you your lunch money. Convenient if you’re riding at the back or in front. If you find yourself sitting at the middle, good luck. Some smelly douche with hairy armpits who sits beside you will hog valuable passenger space. Also, you will feel his buttcheeks touch yours and you can’t do anything about it.

Stop frowning Juan dela Cruz : The LTFRB in cooperation with the Police and the MMDA is now aggressively hunting down these “enemies of the state”. LTFRBs analysts are also studying additional transpo routes - those run by these colorum vehicles. This means that once these units are regularized, commuters can “enjoy” the normal costs of fares again unlike when things are illegal, abuse really gets from crappy to XL crappy.

#2. “mini train” / “tulak” / rail cart - And the number 2 top of the list goes to the “fragile but agile” looking tulak. Really, I have no idea of what it’s called but it sure looks fun to ride one. These custom made “cart” runs on railways and can usually accomodate 2 to 4 people in one go. The “driver” pushes the cart with all his might. If you want to be buff and look like a Spartan, this is the way to go. It would be funny if the driver is some smelly douche with hairy armpits. Overall, this mode of public transportation rocks! Literally. I suggest you ride one before you migrate to Canada or something. Btw, you risk of being run over by a REAL TRAIN. You can lose a leg or two. Or maybe die. Yes, it’s fun, but don’t tell me I didn’t warn you.

A “tulak” also known as The happy ride… of doom.

VERSUS

The REAL TRAIN… also known as The Red Train of Bonecrushing Death

Stop frowning Juan dela Cruz : The Philippine National Railways (PNR) is a mobile historical landmark. Hence, efforts to restore it to its original glory has been a “project” by many presidential administrations, but has always been neglected and shelved. Just recently, news about its actual rehabilition is about to take place when several foreign investors have volunteered to help out the government. Among them are the Koreans, the Thais and of course, the Chinese. Plans for reconstruction is already underway. Modernizing our railways system would not only benefit commuters but it would also make travel easy for tourism purposes. It would also have macro and micro economic benefits that would greatly help this country’s growth. But yeah, until we actually see a real modern train running on a real modern railway, we’ll just have to continue cheating death with our happy rides of doom.

#1. the jeepney / jeep / dyip - And the top spot goes to the Jeepney. These notorious road machines can serve as a quick ticket to hell, depending on the drivers ability to cheat death and smile about it over bottles of gin and Red Horse. 99.9% of the time, these jeepney drivers are playing poker with Death at the passengers’ expense. Also, you risk someone might punch you in the face for no apparent reason. They immediately stop on every friggin’ passenger who wants to ride but would drop you off 2 kilometers from your destination after 10 minutes of screaming “PARA!!!! !@#$%” (”Para” is a what you say when you want to alight any form of public transporation with the exception of the MRT. But really, there’s no English translation for that word ftw.)

The Titanic

Stop frowning Juan dela Cruz : I can’t tell you enough reasons why you should stop smiling when it comes to talking about the jeepney. And that’s also the reason why it’s number one on my list. Fares are continually going up and riding one is far from enjoyable. Riding one will make you wet: Drenched in your sweat during hot days and drenched in the rain during storms and rain. Crimes involving a jeepney is also increasing. You are most likely to get mugged riding one. I also know someone who got shot in the head after the criminals got pissed at her when they were trying to rob the jeep’s passengers. And I don’t think the government is doing anything to improve the jeepney problems of the people. I remember hearing about air-con jeepneys (fares are much higher of course) moving around the Makati City area… but since Makati is acting like an independent country, and its current Mayor acting like Supreme Commander or Master Emperor, the rest of the country wouldn’t benefit much from that type of technological advancement.

So you see, I’d rather walk 20 kms. If you think about it, it’s ironic that people are actually paying to ride these moving coffins of fiery death. Plus the traffic is really really really bad. I say we all scrap public transportation. Let’s do it how our national heroes did it…back in the 1800s. Let’s stick to horses and carriages and walking. It’s healthy for you and the environment. Yes? Yes. 100% win.

Special thanks to Mr. Shawn Naylor for the train images.

*edit*

Dear Computer Generated Wordpress Default Message,

errr… Thanks! But you see, this is not Wordpress. This is The Vandal Box. And you’re stepping on our turf.

Hmm… yes, it looks like the first post indeed. The first post of the site alright. But you see, I didn’t make the post. You did. And I really don’t appreciate the fact that you got to post first while this is not even your fucking site.

It’s funny how you try to make me (and the rest of world) believe that this post is actually our first post while it’s actually a computer generated post. I LOL at your face, computer! Let me tell you 3 reasons why your puny of a welcome post can NOT be part of the Vandal Box :

1) It’s not witty. Welcome to WordPress? Haha. What are you, some kind of a tourist guide from Korea? “Welcome to ______” is so 1990s. Whenever I see the word “Welcome” it reminds me of those doormats placed outside those Indian convenience stores.

How NOT to welcome guests.

That’s not how to welcome guests. You welcome them by giving them something totally unexpected. Like this:

2) It’s stupid. You don’t have to tell me or anyone else that this is the first post. Haller! I think it’s quite obvious that this is the first post considering that there are no other posts prior to this one! It’s like having breakfast in a posh restaurant and the waiter telling you that your breakfast is your first meal.

3) It’s not awesome. In fact, it’s boring. Read the tagline. The site is all about the pursuit for awesomeness. Boring does not equate to awesome. A welcome note is as good as your first impression to your readers. So you better say something awesome rather than say something doormat-boring like “Welcome”.

But I forgive you.

Now let me tell you how to make an awesome welcome message.

Nice to have you here at the Vandal Box. Everything has a first. Glad you stumbled on ours. Surf around. Chill. And lend us your thoughts. Your visit makes this site a step closer to total awesomeness. Thanks.

Now imagine that being said by this guy.

This guy is our hero.

Smooth, suave and sexy. This is how we roll mofos.

Enough of the rants. Really, we just glad you’re here.

Huzzah!